I’m not sure where to start here and if I don’t get this out I fear this blog post centered on Mac Miller’s Circle and turning thirty will be at risk of being published when I turn thirty one so, here goes.
It’s the eve of my aforementioned thirtieth birthday and I feel giddy. I didn’t think I would. I think it is boring to make a big deal out of turning thirty but I have a crippling fear of aging and an overall slowing down of life, and achey bones and I didn’t know how I would feel.
Out of all of my friends I am historically the one that makes the biggest deal out of their birthday. I’ve known most of my closest friends for about ten to fifteen years so it might be hard for them to rationalize that I didn’t always used to be this obnoxious about “just another day.”
While my birthday is yes, maybe a vacation in narcissism, it is more a way for me to have all the people I love in the same place. The sincerity might be gross and for that I won’t apologize. I didn’t always feel loved and as I started acclimating to the feeling that I mattered to some people (okay, sidebar - it is insane that someone, anyone has to learn that and it’s not just built in but okay whatever life, experiences, trauma, etc.) I realized that I’d maybe have people who would want to celebrate with me and so I became a person who loved her birthday.
When the New Year rolled in I wanted to write something about the previous decade but it felt cheap because, well, wherever I turned or looked or scrolled everyone was doing the same thing. I do love my birthday but I still very much thing I’m a speck of dust in this world and not everyone cares I rode a horse in Australia in 2016 or saw a taping of Big Bang Theory in 2011.
BUT all this to say, and this might be a hard pivot but like I said I’m writing this fast, Mac Miller’s posthumous album Circles dropped today. In the days leading up to it I was nervous for it, nervous of feeling sad for everything his family, friends, and fans won’t get, nervous of the sadness itself, and the guilt for the sabbatical I had taken from his music while he was still alive.
But in this decade one thing is certain, I have grown into a person who hates sadness but hates fear more and so I pressed play on Circles and a calmness washed over me. The album is melancholy, but still lifting, the perfect music for walking residential streets on a cold but sunny day; a reminder that life is sad and shitty a lot of the time but there is still warmth and love and lessons if we’re paying attention.
I am glad I still love my birthday and I am glad it is a big deal to me even if other people do not feel the same way about theirs. I love a lot of people very deeply and I am happy about their birthdays as well because if they were not born I would probably be less happy.
So in honor of my birthday, please wish yourself a happy birthday, and press play on Circles because life will never not be scary but we should still participate in the festivities.
